ARTICLES WRITTEN TO HELP YOU PREPARE FOR THE DIVORCE EXPERIENCE
The Process of Divorce Divorce Options Financial Fair Play
Many people think of divorce as a proscribed or very limited experience beginning with the first visit to an attorney or mediator and ending with the decree stating that the divorce is finalized. The reality is that the process of divorce is an ongoing experience that takes place in stages.
The process of divorce moves at a pace commensurate to each person’s ability to adapt to the physical, financial and emotional changes that divorce demands. Some people move quickly through these stages, others need more time to accomplish the tasks involved in a stage and to assimilate the information and the emotional experiences the stage encompasses. Living alone after having spent many months to many years living alongside another person requires a period of adjustment. Additionally, there are emotional as well as financial conditions that can take long periods of time to adjust to and to accept. For these reasons, the divorce process extends beyond the receipt of the judge’s decree that legally ends the marriage. Making the decision to divorce is the first step in the divorce process, and it is a complicated step. The pain of living in dissension with another person has to be greater than one spouse’s ability to endure any more stress and disappointment. The stressors may ebb and flow, meaning that at times there is turmoil and dissatisfaction, but at other times there are periods of calm; the couple may be able to make changes that reduce the frequency or intensity of the dissatisfactions. If there is limited dissension, there may be a lot of confusion to sort through before a spouse can feel justified to end the relationship. Some spouses live amicably but without sexual or emotional intimacy: they are friends but have no passion. In such a situation, they may feel selfish and guilty for wanting more for themselves in a marriage. They may not want to hurt their partner by creating a permanent end to their relationship as wife and husband. The greater the person’s ability to tolerate pain, confusion and guilt, the longer the decision making stage will last. The decision to divorce can be hastened by repeated, or severe trauma caused by alcohol or drug abuse and dependence that results in physical and/or emotional violence or abuse, particularly where children are involved. The decision to divorce is often postponed by fear: fear of not being able to survive alone, financially, or emotionally, fear of reprisal from the other spouse or from one’s family, fear of severely wounding the remaining partner or the children involved in the family. Once a person has made the decision to end their relationship, their next task is to tell their spouse they want to end the marriage. Once again, the time involved in completing this step is dependent on the amount of fear and guilt and support the person experiences. If friends and family are behind the decision, the person may feel sufficiently secure to talk with their spouse. The less support and the less self-confidence a person has, the more time will be needed before the spouse will be able to reveal their decision to their partner.
At the point where one spouse tells the other that they have decided to divorce, there is usually a lot of discussion between partners. There may be offers to mend unresolved problems in the marriage, including going to marriage counseling to find solutions to the dissatisfactions in the relationship. Promises to change are made, often in desperate attempts to keep the marriage together. Many times this is the "wake-up call" the relationship needs to get differences resolved and to prove to the other spouse that existing dissatisfactions are serious. It can be a time of emotional turmoil, especially if one spouse is not willing to make adjustments but the other spouse is wanting to make an effort. The decision to divorce can be postponed at this juncture, or it may be consolidated if both parties agree that it is something they want.
The next step is usually the legal one: the spouses decide to get advice from an attorney or a mediator on how to proceed with the divorce. Both spouses need to determine whether they can work together to settle the joint property and to determine custody, child support and visitation, if children are involved. If they have an amicable relationship and are able to civilly discuss these issues, only one attorney may be needed to draw up these agreements, or a mediator can be used to negotiate and draft agreements. If there is dissension between partners and it is not possible to make decisions based on the best interest of the children or the future of the partners, extended mediation or negotiation may be required and each partner may need her/his own lawyer. This can be a period of high emotion for one or both of the spouses: it is frequently the time when all the tension, hurt and the desire for revenge get played out between partners. Sometimes couples, even once divorced, get stuck in this stage. They tend to perceive this stage as the last piece of the process holding them together, and it may be very difficult to let go of the relationship. It is not unusual for couples, years after receiving the divorce decree, to be still battling each other in the courts over issues that have more to do with emotion and less to do with assets.
At some point, the couple physically separates: one partner moves out. This begins the experience of living as a single person or as a single parent. All the realities of living solo are contrasted with prior expectations of living without a spouse. For some, it is an experience of relief; for others it is an experience that is emotionally and financially unsettling. One’s ability to care for themselves, to get support from friends and family, to succeed as a single parent and as a single individual is put to the test. Not only is the person dealing with the challenges of living solo and being the sole caretaker of their self, but they are, at the same time, having to deal with and adjust to the emotional loss of the marriage. They may be involved in the legal stage of the divorce at this time, having to negotiate financial agreements and custody agreements at the same time. Outside support is critical at this time in order to manage one’s emotional experiences and at the same time transition from relying on the other spouse to relying on one’s self, and to help grieve the loss of the relationship. Many people who distance themselves emotionally suppress these experiences. They feel as though nothing significant has happened to them. They may regard the situation as a business negotiation. Drugs, sex or alcohol can become prime distractions, as can over involvement in work. Rather than accepting the emotions that come with the experience of separation, they insulate themselves from the event. Other people feel totally overwhelmed . They resist relying on the support of family and friends, feeling that they will overwhelm their support and lose their ties. Some people isolate themselves, withdrawing from family or friends who could offer comfort. Others withdraw to avoid conflict or confusion or the unwanted influence and advice that close relationships offer. While some people who have separated are able to reach out for healthy support and advice, others are not so successful. They may reach for alcohol, drugs, food, or fantasy to numb the confusion of this stage of separation. They may reach for their children to get the soothing their emotions yearn for. Those who are more capable will find divorce groups, therapists or clergy to help them navigate through this difficult period. The more a person reaches out to find and use healthy supports the quicker they will make emotional adjustments and the sooner they will adapt to this stage. Learning to date again, learning to care for and discipline the children by themselves are significant tasks for many separated or divorced persons. Developing a workable relationship with the child’s other parent is a developmental hurdle in successfully adjusting to divorce. People who come to terms with their needs, both physical and emotional, are more likely to develop new ways of relating with less hostility and less conflict to their ex-partner. Research shows that those who are able to establish more amicable relationships with their ex-spouse have greater success in creating a new identity for themselves and creating healthier intimate relationships in the future. Their children are able to adjust to the divorce with far less emotional baggage, are more likely to establish strong bonds with significant others later on in their lives, and are less likely be divorced once married. At some point, one of the partners or their attorney will file for divorce in the court. Each state has its own period of waiting before the divorce decree is granted. In California, the waiting period is six months. While filing for divorce is one step in the divorce process, it is far from the last, and this step varies in terms of how quickly spouses pass through it. Those spouses who get caught in the legal stage of divorce and have difficulty coming to terms with financial or custody agreements may find themselves in this stage longer than six months. Many people expect to move through divorce at a rapid pace only to find themselves disappointed and frustrated. Remember, movement is dependent on legal, financial and emotional factors.
Stress scales have been established to indicate the power that various life experiences exert on a human being’s functioning. These scales allow us to anticipate how effected an average person is likely to become as different types of events occur in their life. Divorce is second in these scales, trailing only the death of a family member or significant other. Research has indicated that the average period of time it takes to recover from either of these events is approximately one year. Recovery means that a person is able to return to their level of functioning at work and in their personal life before the crisis occurred. The process of divorce is often assumed to be the minimum period of time it takes a couple to move through the legal system in their state starting at the time papers are filed and ending the day the court issues the divorce decree. The receipt of the decree has little to do with a person’s ability to adjust to the stages of divorce. The experience of divorce is considerably different from the actual legal event.
Copyright © 2000 Institute for Divorce Education. All rights reserved.
At present, there are four methods of divorcing. We recommend that partners become familiar with all of them. By doing so, you can choose the one that is going to enable you and your spouse to achieve the greatest success in working through the settlement issues and develop property, alimony, custody and visitation agreements. Current research shows that when both parties contribute to the agreements, there is far less conflict that ensues after the divorce is finalized, greater compliance with the documents, and better, longer lasting involvement with any children who are involved. Only you can determine which method is right for you. Remember, divorce is predominately an emotional process: it is imperative that you have a voice in establishing agreements if you are to feel a sense of fairness and control of your life--both now and in the future--and respect for yourself.
COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE™
Collaborative Divorce™is a team approach to resolving the issues of divorce. The goal is to bring the spouses to mutual agreement around the issues of division of assets, support, child custody, etc. without the intervention of the court and without contest between attorneys. It differs from mediation in that each spouse has legal representation and support throughout the process. The job of the team is to establish fair agreements that, ultimately, support the best interest of the family rather than the individual. Each spouse has both an attorney and a coach of their own. The coach is a licensed mental health professional. If there are any children involved, there is a child specialist to represent the best interests of the children to the parents and the team. A financial planner is jointly used to determine the assets of the marriage. Each of these professionals have had training in the Collaborative DivorceÔ method and have usually worked with the other professional members before. Therefore, each spouse has a "team" working for and with them. The two spouses are involved in each step of the process and make all of their own decisions. The team helps them come to decisions and to develop a fair settlement agreement. This is a "no" litigation process and prior to its start, all parties agree not to litigate the divorce. The attorneys prepare and file all the legal paperwork and since there is no litigation no court appearances are necessary in this process. We recommend this process for spouses who want to put the best interest of the family or the relationship first while working through the divorce process, who want to develop settlement agreements and resolve issues without letting emotion undermine their decision making or their sense of self, and who need support or guidance to do so.
MEDIATION
Mediation is a process where both spouses hire a mediator to help draft a marital settlement agreement. Both partners meet with the same mediator, usually at the same time. Lawyers specializing in family law, marriage and family therapists, psychologists and clinical social workers serve as mediators, however anyone trained in the process of mediation can be used. The process is structured: several joint meetings are conducted during which division of property, child support, spousal support, etc., are addressed. At the initial meeting, the mediator explains the process and determines exactly what financial and personal information is needed and what documents must be obtained. Later mediation meetings concentrate on determining the issues both spouses need resolved, and helping the couple come to agreements that resolve them. The process is finished when both spouses are satisfied with the terms of the negotiation. Afterwards, the mediator prepares the settlement document, the Petition for Dissolution and other paperwork. There are no court appearances by either spouse, which minimizes costs. At any point in the process, either party can consult with an attorney of their choice to get advice regarding legal issues. The mediator files legal paperwork, as necessary, after it is reviewed by each individual’s attorney. We feel that mediation works best with couples who are not fighting, who are able to be unemotional, and who want the best for their former partner, now and in the future. It is a process where both partners need to be able to sit down with each other and communicate without intimidation or being coerced into agreements they will regret later.
PRO PER
This is divorce done without representation of an attorney. You are representing yourself; your spouse is representing him/her self. You would go to the court, obtain the necessary papers to fill out. Both parties are responsible for filling out with honesty the financial resources of the marriage so both know what assets belong to the marriage and which belong to one spouse, solely. Once you know what financial resources are available, you and your spouse can work together to create a division of property, custody, alimony, and child support agreements. Both of you would then file the documents with the court. You can use the services of a financial planner and an attorney to help you understand any financial or legal issue, or for advice. However, neither professional would represent you in court. Some people use a paralegal service for obtaining the correct papers, for help filling them out, and for filing them. Some couples rely on how-to-do-it-yourself type of books for education. This is probably a reasonable process for parties who can work well together, who are able to keep strong emotions from interfering with their ability to think clearly and to problem solve. It is not for parties who distrust each other, who are subject to strong emotion, or who want to secretly seek revenge. We do not recommend it in cases where there are complicated assets or custody issues.
LITIGATION
This is what most people recognize as the standard divorce process. In this case, each spouse has their own attorney representing them. Both attorneys are attempting to get the best possible financial deal and custody arrangement for their client, not the family as a whole. It is seen in terms of winning or losing. Usually, there is little work that takes place with the spouses together. The process is largely controlled by the attorneys or the court. It is most often the most expensive type of divorce, and can become the most acrimonious process. We recommend this process in cases where spouses do not want to, or cannot, work together under any circumstances. It is frequently used by people who are unaware of the several other types of divorce process available to them. This is also the process needed when two parties cannot come to a financial or custody agreement and the court must settle the dispute for them. This process can create great emotional upheaval between spouses since they are communicating to each other through a third party which can feel very alienating. When the court has to make a decision settling a dispute, neither party is in control of the outcome. .
Copyright © 2001 Institute for Divorce Education. All rights reserved.
Financial Fair Play in Divorce
For most people divorce is one of the most stressful events of their lives. During this time of emotional and financial chaos, decisions will be made that have long term consequences. It’s difficult to look into the future, but that is precisely what needs to happen especially when children are involved. Both parties should carefully evaluate all alternatives, looking through the long lens of time because what's done today will create tomorrow. Whether you decide to use Collaborative Divorce™, mediation or to use attorneys; whether you are leaving or being left; whether you have children or you do not, you will need to assess your present financial condition and determine how you will manage in the future. Knowing all about your finances and actively evaluating alternatives will put you in a better position to negotiate your divorce settlement and to plan your future.
The first step is listing all sources of income and all expenses. Few people have a real grasp of their expenses but now it will be unavoidably necessary. It is important to list all expenses from the smallest to those that only occur once a year. The court has a form, commonly called the "I and E", meaning income and expenses. The "I and E" form splits income and expenses into broad categories. You will need to know more precisely what the income and expenses are so you can make informed decisions. Equally important is to know what the assets and liabilities of the marriage are. Assets are what you own: your house, car, savings, investments, pensions, etc. Liabilities are what you owe: your house mortgage, credit cards, auto loans, etc. Again full disclosure and full knowledge by both parties are imperative to creating a fair settlement.
If you don’t have any idea what your income, expenses, assets and liabilities are, you will have to find out and the sooner the better. When one person in the marriage has had total control of the family finances it can put the other person at a great disadvantage. If you are the one who doesn’t know, you should immediately gather all the information you can. "Fair" is a subjective word that is often used when discussing divorce. A settlement is never fair unless both parties are informed and equipped to negotiate. The person who initiates the divorce has often already thought through what they believe would be a fair settlement. The person who is not the initiator may be the last one to understand that they are headed for divorce. They have some catching up to do. Pressuring the non-initiator to settle before they have had an equal opportunity to assess their future is not fair. It will only increase legal expenses and acrimony.
If you do not have experience in financial matters or you want to assess the fairness of a proposed settlement, you may want to use the services of a Certified Divorce Planner. You do not need to go through your divorce alone. CDP's have had the experience of working through the financial matters of many divorces.
Certified Divorce Planners have special training in helping people understand their financial alternatives and assisting them in negotiating and creating equitable settlements. CDP's can help their clients be an active participant in the settlement process and in planning their future. Certified Divorce Planners do not replace the need for an attorney, but have experience working with mediators and attorneys, and they help clients to understand the system and the process of divorce.
Look forward to tomorrow by planning today.
Copyright © 2000 Institute for Divorce Education. All rights reserved.